Tuesday, September 6, 2011

How we got here pt. 4

Four hours after the surgery began, the neurosurgeon came in the room and spoke with us. He told us that he was able to remove some of the tumor but could not completely remove it. He could not find a "plane" from which the tumor could be cleanly removed from the brainstem. He said he was disappointed and this "was not the outcome" he had "hoped for." We were stunned. I had no idea what faced us. I asked him, will we see you again? I wanted to know someone would be with us through this. That someone knew what the hell is going on, and this someone would show us the way.

I later figured out that this someone doesn't exist. And that it takes a lot of someones with different pieces of the puzzle to show us, not exactly the way, but to show us what our options are and to support us as we make our own way. In any case, we were total wrecks after the neurosurgeon left the room. We held it together as long as we could but as soon as he walked out of the door we grabbed eah other and let loose. The rest of that day is a blur. I remember returning to the hospital room and seeing SB unconscious, on a ventilator, hooked up to a tangle of IV tubes. It was a shocking visual representation of what we were dealing with. That Saturday was our low point.

The next day we went down stairs again, this time for an MRI. I remember sitting in the waiting room, weeping at every email and phone call I received. I couldn't talk to anyone, but just knowing that so many friends and family had our back and were pouring out their hearts for us sustained me that day.

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